I have typed and erased, typed and erased, I just don’t know where to start. I have mentioned parts of my story in my previous posts but today is different. One year ago I was hard-hearted, I was bitter, I was angry, I was lost…but so desperately wanted to be found and I wanted to find me. I felt so strongly that there was a girl inside me dying to get out. I didn’t know how to get her out. As I said the other day….”I” was trying to figure it out…that just never ever works.
I sit here in front of this computer screen a changed girl. I look different, I feel different, I walk different, I talk different….most of all though, I LOVE DIFFERENT!!!! I closed the gap, that really long distance between my heart and my mind.
I found God, not like I went to church, read my Bible, and sang songs, I FOUND God. I found His unsearchable heart, I found His mercy, I found His grace, I found His forgiveness, I found His faithfulness, I found His face, I found His love. I was lost, NOT ANYMORE!!!!
How did this all happen, how did your whole life and heart change in one year? …One phrase!!!
“I know this man called Jesus, and most people don’t know Him like I do.”
Those words were spoken to me by my amazing friend Annie the first time I ever hung out with her and it was all history from there. I wanted to know. I wanted to know what about Him she knew that I didn’t. I wanted to know how she was always so kind, I wanted to know why people were constantly drawn to her, I wanted to know what made her shine. I now know it’s the Jesus in her. It was the willingness to walk through fire in obedience and sacrifice with the Lord. It was her willingness to be broken and to allow the Lord into the most intimate places of her heart and to let Him cultivate life and truth. Her person was so amazing to me. I wanted to know what she knew, and in the process sweet friendship was walked out.
To know friendship like this is a gift only the Lord could ordain. I had walked through my life never risking in relationship, walking away when things got hard, letting pride rise in the place of true feelings and never knowing what it was to fight for another persons heart.
The Lord placed this person in my life to show me all the amazing things that He is. He showed me mercy, grace, love, fight, risk, and consistency. She’s truly a gift. She chose to stand beside me in friendship and never left. She stayed through the good, the bad, the ugly and loved me even when I was at my worst. She showed me Christ-like love. She pushed me, she challenged me, she called out the best in me, and wasn’t afraid to point out the worst, so that I could be better. So that I could change. For that, words could never express my gratitude!!! Thanks Anns, you truly inspire me.
I now stand one year a woman with a heart for God. I chose to stand in the fire, I kicked and screamed believe me. I just wanted so badly to be a loving, friendly, fun, silly, adventurous, approachable girl. I wanted to be able to cry, to have empathy, to feel compassion, to be unashamed…but unfortunately I was walking with the inability to do any of those. I had never truly dealt with my heart.
I covered up hurt, insecurity and past wounds with a quick and wicked tongue. I could distance my heart from anyone I needed to…easy peasy!!! I didn’t want to be the intimidating girl, but I just was. NOT ANYMORE FOLKS!!! I have been renewed, redeemed although I’m still a work in progress….
My clothes don’t always match…and that’s ok now.
I cry in public places…and that’s ok now.
I can be crazy, loud and silly…and that’s ok now.
I can deal with my heart immediately…and that’s ok now.
I can really fight to know others…and that’s ok now.
I can allow others to know me…and that’s ok now.
I can empathize and be compassionate…and that’s ok now.
I can go before the Lord with my spoken word…and that’s ok now.
I can walk away from all my friends, my family, my business and my possessions…and that’s ok because there is a peace that passes all understanding because the Lord has got me in the palm of my hands and I desire to walk in love with others as Christ has walked with me.
This road has not been easy. There are times with the Lord where I could have drank from a little garden hose but I wanted to be CHANGED so I shoved the whole fire hose in my mouth. That’s how much I desired to be changed. It’s a choice, and sometimes it’s not easy, but it’s worth it!!!!