It’s a beautiful sunny afternoon, an epic tennis match in Nunan Square is about to begin. As the game begins, the athletes….well, used to be athletes, start to emerge and the rallying begins (as much rallying as an ex-soccer player and ex-softball player can muster up). The softball player has claimed tennis greatness, and the soccer player does not claim any area of greatness in this game…well other than the fact that she can hit the ball really hard, and this does not mean it stays in bounds. Back and forth, back and forth…game, set, match!!! The winner emerges…..
The tennis is over…now let the wrestling begin (yep I said wrestling), oh wait that never happened. Why you might ask?!?!?!?! Well because the soccer player is entirely too uptight, takes herself way too seriously, and has serious insecurities about being silly or even a little obnoxious. Yeah, sad you might say!!!
The stage is set, the grassy knoll outside the tennis courts will be the grounds where it’s to happen. The softball player challenges the soccer player to a wrestling match. The soccer player resists and resists the pounces of the softball player. Not because she is afraid…oh she’s not afraid, she’s got a mean leg lock she can always fall back on. Nope, she will not wrestle because people might see. These exact words came from my mouth…I mean the soccer players mouth, “I’m not going to wrestle with you”. “Why,” the softball player asks, “Because I’m a business owner” the soccer player with such serious tone of voice states. The softball player can’t even believe it’s real. The soccer player was dead serious…what if someone sees? What would they think? They would probably find her an irresponsible human.
As I write this I can’t even believe (well I actually can a little) those words came out of my mouth. Wow, what a prude!!! I had some serious issues!!! And yes I can now say I had, for I no longer function this way.
In the midst of the changing of my heart in these big huge areas of vulnerability, trust, love etc the Lord gave me three diamonds and a verse that freed me up from this inability to let loose. Well, I shouldn’t say I didn’t know how to let loose. I was really fun when I was a little tipsy. When I had a little liquid courage I was really fun…but who isn’t, right?!?!
The Lord gave me three diamonds within a few days of one another with a verse that tied it all together. The diamonds were, freedom, laughter and boldness. The verse was, “Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.” Psalm 34:5
I realized that the shame I was walking around with was dampen my radiance as a woman. The shame I carried caused me to walk in dim radiance, if any at all. I couldn’t shine for shame and guilt was only a big cloud that covered who God wanted me to be. Guilt and shame crush every area of our lives and it effected more than just my ability to let loose, it’s just the place I’m choosing to talk about today. As I began to go before the Lord with the places of my heart and was given my diamonds a part of my person began to emerge.
I had always wanted to be silly, crazy, and a little bit obnoxious. The diamond of freedom was given and I was to begin to have the freedom to be a little girl again, to have fun, to play with reckless abandonment, to enjoy the fun in life!!! Boldness is the trait of being willingness to undertake things that involve risk, risking looking silly or even a little crazy…in a good way that is. There was this girl inside I knew that I was, but I had shoved her away. I had put her on a shelf to collect dust. She was ready to emerge and she did. Laughter was the next diamond.
I will never forget this day, I was sitting outside writing in my journal at Starbucks (I know surprise, surprise) and there was a group of women outside with me. I was listening to music with my headphones, but there was one woman who’s laughter was so loud, so contagious that even my music being turned up couldn’t drown it out. I remember I sat there and wrote in my journal as I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I wanted to be able to laugh that way. To laugh as if I was the only person on the whole planet. To not be ashamed of the sound. The Lord reminded me that I could do that, that there was nothing wrong with it.
This part of my person is slowly beginning to emerge. A girl not afraid to look a little silly, to be a little loud, and to walk in radiance for I am not ashamed of the woman God has created me to be. I still get stuck in my shell sometimes, but not like I used too!!! There’s a part of my person that comes out sometimes and I’m not quite sure what to do with her…other than just laugh and smile.