Are You Freakin’ Kidding Me?

I have literally been thinking about posting a blog since the day I arrived.  But for the life of me I have not been able to write.  I still am pretty much at a loss for words.  I don’t actually know what to say, so I’m just gonna let my mind roll and see what unfolds.

I have been here for 11 days.  It’s paradise here.  The campus is beautiful, the sunsets will take your breath away.  The stars at night are magical.  The people are amazing.  It’s all so wonderful…right????

I came here not really knowing what I was getting myself into, just knowing it was where I was supposed to be.  I had a hint of an idea but our ideas are always so different than the Lord’s.  The last few years of my life have been quite the journey.  I have grown in ways I had only dreamed of.  I have become the woman God created me to be.  I’m still a work of progress but you know what I mean.  I have been loosed of so many chains that held me down, kept me unhappy, and just not fully walking as I was created.  I thought I was doing so well….standing on top of mountain.

The thing about the mountain is we can’t always stay up there.  We have to come down if we want to keep advancing, putting one foot in front of the other.  When you are on the top of the mountain, the next steps walk us into a valley.  Who knows what’s down there.  Sometimes it’s super gnarly, sometimes it’s totally doable and we learn in the process.  Well I have been walking down in this valley and let me tell you it’s been insane.

The Lord usually deals quite swiftly with me.  Plus I just like to be done with it…”Lord let’s just deal with this stuff, I don’t want it.”  My heart is to help others walk in freedom, but in order to walk with others, we ourselves must be free.  Well I am realizing all kinds of things I am still bound by and bound to and it started on day 1!!!!  I won’t go into great detail or anything I don’t want to put you to sleep.

I asked the Lord for a verse for the year and he swiftly pointed me to Isaiah 58:11.

The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

What a promise as the Lord points out some serious places of my heart that need to be dealt with.  None of them are little things and it’s actually quite scary and a little ugly but the Lord is going after and exposing them all at the same time which I must say sort of well….SUCKS!!!!!!  But the good thing is that we are cleaning house and readying me for what he has.  In the last 11 days I have realized that…

a) I have major issues with authority…duh

b) I am entirely too independent…duh

c) I am so afraid to trust the Lord with my finances

d) Oh and did I mention that I’m also living in 1 bedroom with 8 girls and I have a crazy rash all over my body….just to top it all off.

I have three hours of practically service on the base.  My practical service is helping in the Go Center which is where guests stay so you guessed it. Knock, knock….”Housekeeping”  Yep I clean bathrooms (scrubbing toilets, floors…on my hands and knees) I have learned hospital corners and the art of tidying up rooms day in and day out.  Oh boy this is tough…but Jesus came and he served and service is the most humbling experience and we should never grow out of serving.  We tend to get to a place in life where we feel too important to serve.  Yeah I was there…I still struggle, like I should be doing something so much more important.  But I’m learning to be excellent in the mundane and in the places where no one but the Lord is seeing it.  Oh and did I mention that I work with really grumpy old women…yeah that too.

I have also realized that my independence is actually a very dangerous thing.  My independence has left me without dependance and on the Lord.  I got this God.  I have been asking the Lord to show me how to need him.  My prayer has been to show me how to need you like I need air.  My independence is a pushing to the side God’s will and walking in my own, which is never really a good idea.  In the process of this I also know that it’s preparing me to be dependent on the man God has for me….no ladies I haven’t met anyone yet….hee hee

I’m in missions.  There’s a joke here on campus that I don’t find very funny.  YWAM stands for Youth with a Mission, but many say Youth without Money.  Yeah, not cool.  I have a full time job but it does not pay me.  It’s quite crazy and a totally different mindset.  It’s quite difficult and I still haven’t wrapped my head around it.  When you are in missions you are supported by people who want to partner with you in your dreams.  Well that whole independence thing has posed an issue because at some point I’m going to have to publicly say that I have a….(clearing my throat, squelching my pride, sweating a little) well I have a….(I just can’t type it…)I have a need.  I need help.  Oh boy that was rough.  My entrepreneurial mind has been racing but there will come a day and I tell you what that’s scary.

Going to the store looks different, I really have to stop and decide what I really need and what’s not necessary.  I have had Starbucks two times in 11 days….I know right crazy.  The coffee on base at breakfast is free…it tastes like brown water but it’s coffee.  So an espresso is a treat now, plus it’s a 30 min walk up and down some crazy hills….two espresso’s in 11 days, I told you the Lord is wrecking me.  Oh man I sound ridiculous don’t I?

My room is filled with beds and girls galore.  There are 8 of us in here with 1 bathroom.  Luckily we all have pretty different schedules so there isn’t a lot of conflict.  They are amazing girls but it’s definitely a challenge.

As much as I just ranted and raved I seriously wouldn’t change any of it.  The trials are increasing my faith, they are changing me from the inside out and producing perseverance.  I know this valley won’t last long until it begins to lead me back up to the high places.  As I walk upon the high places I can invite others to come along side me as well.  This journey is one I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever regret!!!!!  It’s been BRUTIFUL and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.


11 thoughts on “Are You Freakin’ Kidding Me?

  1. You are strong, you are brave, you are special. I can’t wait for you to find what you are looking for, what has been yours from the start. You are loved!

  2. Wow you speak my language… seriously amazing post! thank you, it’s so encouraging to know someone else is going through similar stuff… love you girl and I love seeing what God is doing in your life.. thanks for being brave enough to share!

  3. You know, as your mom I always want to take away your pain. I always want to fix things for you. I always want the best for you. As I sit here typing this with tears in my eyes I am so conflicted… I too have cleaned houses on my hands and knees to provide for you to attend a Christian Grade school. I too have been poor, in total need of the Lord, yet I so love your picture about the mountain top and the valley.

    I understand how you have to walk that path all by yourself even though I want to make it easier for you because I love you. I am just so proud of who you are becoming and who you have already become. You have a new sense of compassion and caring that generally I was the only one that was the recipient of that in the past. You are softer, you are more lovely, you are radiant and you are brave. And you, with your hinds feet will be going to many high places in this life! You will take many with you and show many the way.

    It is hard for me to sit back and not crack open your ‘egg’ like a baby eagle who struggles to get out. If I break that egg for you then you will never fly. Just know that I sit on my hands with tears in my eyes watching God’s amazing grace in your life and thankful that you are walking your walk…. all by yourself!

    Train a child in the way she should go, and when she is old she will not turn from it. Prov 22:6.
    Your journey is the culmination of years of prayer that you would find Jesus in a very personal way. I know it is tough, I know it is painful, but as you say….it is worth it. On the other side you will shout Are You Freakin’ Kidding! That was awesome!!!

    All my love….

  4. Lu, The title sums it up so well. Trust is so hard “brutal”, yet so amazing “beautiful”. It’s in those times and places that we seem to find God does His best things…in those things we can take no credit for. You are a brave and strong woman. Your willingness to follow God’s leading speaks of your passion and commitment to Him. I am so excited for what God is doing and going to do, both in and through, your life! Committed to praying for you sister! – Mark

  5. Oh Lu!!!! Incredible post. Incredible faith. Incredible desire to let God wreck you so He can build you as He desires. Ahhhhhhhh….been there. Love it, hate it, scared of it and I cherish it. I have been in a valley of grief (loss of my mama) and I am coming out of that valley. My blog is called “The Flowers that Bloom”…..cuz last year in my valley (that was deep and dark and scary) God showed me the flowers HE had put there for ME!!!!! I could breathe cuz He was putting Himself and precious things in my path. Ahhhhhh…Lu, thank you for sharing….glad to know we are all a work in progress…..sanctification baby!!!! (PS. I have been wanting to message you since last month on how we actually “know” eachother through phone tag – hehe) HUGS TO YOU!!!!

  6. I really enjoy reading your posts. It makes me stop and think about who I am and who I should be. So much of what you have mentioned about being too independent pushing God asde and saying I got this, struggling with authority and yes the financesm that is so me!!!! Lu you are amazing and God is going to continue to do wonders in your life.

    Beth B

    • This is so the same for you as well Beth. You are a woman with a beautiful heart you just have to let the Lord come and invade like a quick spreading disease!!!! Oh I like that…it’s a crazy picture of how quickly he can work. It doesn’t have to take years. It can be instantaneously that he changes our hearts. But he will only change us as much as we are willing to let him. God bless you lady!!!!

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