I have literally been thinking about posting a blog since the day I arrived. But for the life of me I have not been able to write. I still am pretty much at a loss for words. I don’t actually know what to say, so I’m just gonna let my mind roll and see what unfolds.
I have been here for 11 days. It’s paradise here. The campus is beautiful, the sunsets will take your breath away. The stars at night are magical. The people are amazing. It’s all so wonderful…right????
I came here not really knowing what I was getting myself into, just knowing it was where I was supposed to be. I had a hint of an idea but our ideas are always so different than the Lord’s. The last few years of my life have been quite the journey. I have grown in ways I had only dreamed of. I have become the woman God created me to be. I’m still a work of progress but you know what I mean. I have been loosed of so many chains that held me down, kept me unhappy, and just not fully walking as I was created. I thought I was doing so well….standing on top of mountain.
The thing about the mountain is we can’t always stay up there. We have to come down if we want to keep advancing, putting one foot in front of the other. When you are on the top of the mountain, the next steps walk us into a valley. Who knows what’s down there. Sometimes it’s super gnarly, sometimes it’s totally doable and we learn in the process. Well I have been walking down in this valley and let me tell you it’s been insane.
The Lord usually deals quite swiftly with me. Plus I just like to be done with it…”Lord let’s just deal with this stuff, I don’t want it.” My heart is to help others walk in freedom, but in order to walk with others, we ourselves must be free. Well I am realizing all kinds of things I am still bound by and bound to and it started on day 1!!!! I won’t go into great detail or anything I don’t want to put you to sleep.
I asked the Lord for a verse for the year and he swiftly pointed me to Isaiah 58:11.
The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.
What a promise as the Lord points out some serious places of my heart that need to be dealt with. None of them are little things and it’s actually quite scary and a little ugly but the Lord is going after and exposing them all at the same time which I must say sort of well….SUCKS!!!!!! But the good thing is that we are cleaning house and readying me for what he has. In the last 11 days I have realized that…
a) I have major issues with authority…duh
b) I am entirely too independent…duh
c) I am so afraid to trust the Lord with my finances
d) Oh and did I mention that I’m also living in 1 bedroom with 8 girls and I have a crazy rash all over my body….just to top it all off.
I have three hours of practically service on the base. My practical service is helping in the Go Center which is where guests stay so you guessed it. Knock, knock….”Housekeeping” Yep I clean bathrooms (scrubbing toilets, floors…on my hands and knees) I have learned hospital corners and the art of tidying up rooms day in and day out. Oh boy this is tough…but Jesus came and he served and service is the most humbling experience and we should never grow out of serving. We tend to get to a place in life where we feel too important to serve. Yeah I was there…I still struggle, like I should be doing something so much more important. But I’m learning to be excellent in the mundane and in the places where no one but the Lord is seeing it. Oh and did I mention that I work with really grumpy old women…yeah that too.
I have also realized that my independence is actually a very dangerous thing. My independence has left me without dependance and on the Lord. I got this God. I have been asking the Lord to show me how to need him. My prayer has been to show me how to need you like I need air. My independence is a pushing to the side God’s will and walking in my own, which is never really a good idea. In the process of this I also know that it’s preparing me to be dependent on the man God has for me….no ladies I haven’t met anyone yet….hee hee
I’m in missions. There’s a joke here on campus that I don’t find very funny. YWAM stands for Youth with a Mission, but many say Youth without Money. Yeah, not cool. I have a full time job but it does not pay me. It’s quite crazy and a totally different mindset. It’s quite difficult and I still haven’t wrapped my head around it. When you are in missions you are supported by people who want to partner with you in your dreams. Well that whole independence thing has posed an issue because at some point I’m going to have to publicly say that I have a….(clearing my throat, squelching my pride, sweating a little) well I have a….(I just can’t type it…)I have a need. I need help. Oh boy that was rough. My entrepreneurial mind has been racing but there will come a day and I tell you what that’s scary.
Going to the store looks different, I really have to stop and decide what I really need and what’s not necessary. I have had Starbucks two times in 11 days….I know right crazy. The coffee on base at breakfast is free…it tastes like brown water but it’s coffee. So an espresso is a treat now, plus it’s a 30 min walk up and down some crazy hills….two espresso’s in 11 days, I told you the Lord is wrecking me. Oh man I sound ridiculous don’t I?
My room is filled with beds and girls galore. There are 8 of us in here with 1 bathroom. Luckily we all have pretty different schedules so there isn’t a lot of conflict. They are amazing girls but it’s definitely a challenge.
As much as I just ranted and raved I seriously wouldn’t change any of it. The trials are increasing my faith, they are changing me from the inside out and producing perseverance. I know this valley won’t last long until it begins to lead me back up to the high places. As I walk upon the high places I can invite others to come along side me as well. This journey is one I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever regret!!!!! It’s been BRUTIFUL and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.