I’m just gonna be straight up for a few lines here. I miss my family like crazy, I miss my little munchkin nieces and nephew wrapping their little arms around my neck, I miss coffee and lunch dates with my friends that know me so well, I wish I had a car to go wherever I need to go, my bedroom is really small, my brain feels even smaller it could explode at any time, my hearts a mess, my bank account it empty, and my future is absolutely unknown, I have two bags filled with all I own and after December 6th I have absolutely no clue where I am going. There is a quote by JI Packer that literally makes this all absolutely worth it. He says,
“God uses chronic pain and weakness, along with other afflictions, as his chisel for sculpting our lives. Felt weakness deepens dependence on Christ for strength each day. The weaker we feel, the harder we lean. And the harder we lean, the stronger we grow spiritually, even while our bodies waste away. To live with your ‘thorn’ uncomplainingly — that is, sweet, patient, and free in heart to love and help others, even though every day you feel weak — is true sanctification. It is true healing for the spirit. It is a supreme victory of grace.”
My eyes well with tears as I realize that I’m not doing such a great job today of realizing these things. My heart is heavy with the things present and to come. What I do know though, is that the leaning has increased these last few weeks. The pressing in to what God is saying has grown massively. Because you know what? I can’t do it any other way, I can’t get through this any other way.
I’m learning things here about the world and where we are headed and my heart is heavy. My mind runs, I want to know what God desires me to do in this world…but right now, I HAVE NO CLUE. So I stay still and press in. I lean in harder and harder because in my own finite and fallen nature, I can’t figure this out on my own. He is the omniscient one, He is the immutable one, He is the sovereign one, He is the ONLY thing I need.
I felt a burden to write this blog because there are some of you reading this that need to hear and know that your God has not left you, He’s there, He’s not leaving, and He’s ridiculously faithful.