I stand sobbing yesterday morning in my mom’s office. She asks, “Can you think of any other time in your life when you felt like this?” My mind immediately flashes to my freshman year of college. I’ve sat out my first season due to a car accident that left me with two broken arms. I am remembering all the times I called my mom crying and telling her how slow I was. I had never been slow, EVER. I remember telling her, “Gosh now I know how people who are slow runners feel.” In the 7th grade while watching “Chariots of Fire” I knew as he did, that God had made me fast. But, as hard as I tried I couldn’t be fast. It took me a long time, lots of hours, plenty of tears, and all the guts I had to come back. That was all that I could think about as the tears continued to stream down my face, my head bowed, slightly ashamed of the choice I had just made.
I have never quit anything in my life, I have never not followed through on something I set out to do, and most of all, I have never felt stupid or out of my league in anything….and as I look at it now, if I was out of my league I just decided I didn’t want to do it.
As many of you know I began a Master’s Program in Christian Apologetics recently. I knew I was ill-equipped when I started, but I knew I could push through. I am saddened to say that I have bowed out, I have dropped out of the program and will no longer be participating in this program. I dove into the deep end and didn’t know how to swim, let alone tread water.
I love this program and this subject, but I am not ready for the intensity and the intellectual capacity it takes to complete this. This was a really hard choice, it’s very humbling and has stirred up all sorts of emotions, good and bad. I am not fast enough…I have some work to do. God created me with an intelligent mind, but it needs some more training before I jump in with the big dogs.
I know God has called me to this, but in my human pride I began the program too early. I started to so quickly because I didn’t want to come back to Medford with no plans, no job, and just look like a bum hanging out. My pride got in the way and I felt I needed to “do” school right away so that people would see I wasn’t just wasting my life and being lazy…Oh the stupid things we do when we live in the fear of man. I will be starting a Certificate of Apologetics through Biola as soon as I can. It is a year long program that will build my foundation of the subject and will better equip me for school at a later date.
I know I am not a quitter, I will not feel ashamed, I know I was made for this, but I just need to take a little more time to do what the Lord wants to do in me and begin school in His timing and not my own.
On a sweeter note, I will get to spend more time training and loving on God’s people! I am very excited about that. I am back at CrossFit The Den as a trainer and I’m loving every minute of it. The Lord is good and I’m so glad that He is so gentle with the most fragile parts of our hearts.