On the verge of breakthrough. Do you ever feel that way? It’s an amazing feeling that is usually wrapped in a little bit of terror. What’s going to happen?
Am I gonna lose it?
Am I going to fall apart?
Will it be messy?
I’ve been walking each day knowing that I was on the brink, knowing that it was going to be the day. A photoshoot, a stirring of my insecurities, wanting to pull the skeletons out of the closet and just be done with these stupid things.
Are you willing to fight for the best version of yourself? A question I have asked many times…
TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Utterly convicted I realize that I was willing in certain areas of my life, but not the competitive athlete part. That girl died a while back. There’s no need for her anymore, plus she has really big muscles and usually after she comes out to play for a bit the response is overwhelming,
“You’re a beast.”
“You’re a badass.”
“You’re an animal.”
“I wouldn’t want to get in a fight with you.”
“Please don’t beat me up.”
And the longing in my heart cries, but am I beautiful? Why would I want to get in a fight with you? Why would you even think I would want to beat you up?
Our society has marked strong women as something other than, well, WOMEN. We tend to become another breed, we are not allowed to just be women, still beautiful and at the same time strong. There are assumptions made about who we are as people, some how strong women become something other than women who can lift a lot of weight, run fast, and jump high.
I was told in 5th grade by my teacher that if I didn’t start wearing more dresses and start acting more girly (stop playing sports with the boys at recess) that I was not going to go anywhere in life. REALLY? Seriously? Come on!!! How many women (me included) have had their sexual orientation questioned because they were athletic…SERIOUSLY!!!!! What the have to do with anything? But, let me ask you this, how many women have been called some sort of name (butch, dyke, etc) because they were athletic…and guess how many might just start to believe it. I read this amazing article the other day (This One’s for the “Butch” Girls) and it encapsulated so much of what I have been thinking.
My strength is what makes me who I am, it’s the way that God created me. I can think about putting muscle on my body and I’m pretty sure it happens. I have realized in these past few weeks that this area is bondage, this lie that,
I am not feminine when I push to my maximum genetic potential,
I have believed it far too long and I have literally squelched part of God in me. I have let the world define what is beautiful and what is not. I have chosen to be less than the best version of me for fear of losing my beauty. I will now choose to believe that when I step into the arena of competition, my beauty and femininity does not leave me (Yes that is what I think, that when 3, 2, 1…Go hits that I’m no longer a beautiful woman created in the image of Christ).
This will no longer be my story! I will no longer take God’s gift and sorta kinda use it. You have heard me say this before, and I shall say it again. The area where we are the most insecure is the area we are destined to be the greatest. The enemy and world really don’t want us to figure this out, because if we do, BIG THINGS MIGHT HAPPEN!!! So as I wrote in my journal the other day,
I am a FEMININEBEAST.
I am BEAUTIFULLYSTRONG.
I am INTENSELYTENDER.
I am GRACIOUSLYDIRECT.
I am a COMPASSIONATEBADASS.
I am LOVELYTRUTHFUL.
The strength that is seen to the human eye serves to protect and support the spirit that lives inside of me. I see it now, I get it, VICTORY I must shout from the rooftops, is MINE!!!!
I pray this prayer for you, as my S.I.L. did for me yesterday,
“There’s something so beautiful about a woman who is strong. Not just in actual physical strength but emotional, mental strength, and spiritual strength. My prayer for her is for her to not ever choose to be less than what God created her to be. That she love every single muscle God chose to put on her body. That she will give herself permission to succeed. And that she realize that her compassion coupled with passion is going to be an unstoppable force for the Kingdom of God.”
-Ashley Crenshaw, Gypsy Jane Photography