After reading yesterdays post I received an amazing email and was offered the ability to post it. Thank you for your willingness to expose the roller coaster.
Ok, so my rollercoaster has been a very long one. The matters of my heart are messy. I grew up never having met Jesus Christ. My church was Mt. Ashland. I ‘religiously’ spent every moment on the mountain I could from the time I was 10 until I was 21. After that time my feet were so beat up from ski boots that I had to hang up ‘my first love’, the thing that defined me, the only thing I was really good at. Let’s just say the next few years were less than a stellar testimony of a life.
When I was 25 I had my first child. That year I also became HIS child. My pregnancy was not only difficult but it was life-threatening to me. I had many days of lying on my left side unable to do anything – nothing – other than go to the bathroom. During those times I was very alone. Very alone with myself and my thoughts. Very alone in my marriage. Very alone as a human not connected to my God.
On December 13, 1980 my life radically changed. My child was born. When I looked at her I said out loud ‘there is a God and I am going to find Him because I did not make that baby’. My world was rocked…in a good way. Within 3 months I was in church and serving God, baptized in water and the Holy Spirit within 5 months. I have never looked back or waivered from that decision in my life.
That however did not get me off the rollercoaster. You see, I am the one that helps people do things, get things done, advocate, fighter for justice, care taker of parents. I am the rock, the backbone, the dependable one. And yet I am the lost one, the insecure one, the one who hides from others, the one that wants only to fit in and be loved. My guess is you can picture the high climbs and the breathtaking drops that a life filled with those dichotomies might hold.
In twelve months one year in 1999 – I got married, found out about a huge financial issue that took months to clean up, walked my three kids through the death of their step mother, had my oldest child graduate from high school, had my two oldest kids get in a devastating car wreck, had my oldest child leave for college while still messed up big time from the wreck, sent my second born to live with his father for a month because his behavior after the wreck was so bad I couldn’t handle him, coordinated EMDR treatments for my son so he could deal with the PTSD of the wreck, my husband have emergency surgery, I became a coach’s wife where six months out of the year the other half of my marriage was focused on 22 other people, had to coach a high school game because my husband was literally in surgery and he didn’t have an assistant coach, tried to coordinate the mental health and physical care of my oldest off at college by phone at 2 in the morning, and walked my three kids through the heart attack of their father while working a full-time job….oh yeah, worked a part-time one also….and that was just the first ten months.
At the very bottom of that pass of the rollercoaster I became terrified of fog, suffered serious panic attacks anytime it was foggy for five years, was seriously depressed, began to have sleep deprivation issues, gained weight, ate out of my messy heart rather than need…I was a big mess. I was very lonely because really how does anyone relate to the information in the previous paragraph! I battled for my soul with the devil. I clung to Jesus with everything I had. I chanted scripture over and over and over to get through my fear. I put one foot in front of the other day after day after day until I came out on the other side. Life went on and my kids grew up.
Here is the next messy part in my life. When you are the person that everyone counts on, comes to and looks to for advice and you run out of ‘what you know’, where do you turn? Well my advice would be to turn to Jesus, but I have to say that isn’t always what I have done. Life continued on its messy keel as I couldn’t work through the mess because honestly half the time I couldn’t even put my finger on what the mess was!
I had an epiphany in the past week or so. When you are ‘the one’ it is hard to be receptive to direction, words of advice, or even helpful critiquing from those that you raised. The other half of that crazy rollercoaster is I worked so hard to raise bright, intelligent, smart, savvy, kind, thoughtful, wise children. Then why do I have such a hard time taking their ‘advice’ in my life? It’s pride. Flat out unequivocal pride. My friends can tell me whatever I need to hear and I hear it. But when my WISE CHILDREN say the same thing why does it resonate with me? Why are my kids less ‘right’ in a situation than a friend would be? Isn’t truth the truth no matter who it is spoken by? Why do I feel like I am failing them if they have to teach me things? Pride. Simply Pride.
In order for me to get off this rollercoaster I need to be open to the truth even if it comes from the mouths of babes. Lord make me open to words from my babies and even words from my grandbabies as long as they are YOUR words. Thank you Jesus for the gift of wise children. Thank you Jesus for the gift of truth spoken into my life. Give me ears to hear and a heart to learn from the best that you have for me. May I get off this crazy rollercoaster and put both feet on solid ground once and for all. And better yet, help me to dismantle that rollercoaster bit by bit by bit so that I can never climb on it again.
Oh yeah, on December 13, 1980 the child that changed my life was born. Her name is Lucianne Marie. Her name means the Bringer of Light. I would say that Jesus knew exactly what He was saying when He named her that. So to you LuLu, may you always speak the truth and the life into others because you were born to do that!