Do you ever feel like there’s a woman inside of you who’s dying to get out?
My story begins with this statement a little over 3 years ago…everything looked good on the outside. My business was successful, I was a successful coach, I had great friends, I drove a pretty sweet car…well at 26 I thought it was sweet and truth be told if you asked me what kind of car it was at the time I probably couldn’t tell you…I go through cars like I go through underwear…I was all good on the outside, dying on the inside.
I wasn’t happy, but more than that I just wanted to be different. I wanted to be the things I felt on the inside but I just didn’t think it was who I was. I have been an athlete all of my life and have never gotten out of the profession, I’m now a gym owner and so the stigma just followed me. I was an athlete, I was intense, I was a badass, I was a beast. If I had a nickel for every time someone said I reminded them of Jillian Michaels…boy I would be rich….and most of the time it was followed up with, “well but you’re of course prettier.” She’s the woman on TV that is only caught on camera screaming at people, getting in their faces, lookin’ all hardcore all the time. Well let’s just say that’s who I was…on the outside. It’s who people saw, it’s who I projected all the while protecting my own heart, but everyday wishing I could be different.
But who I wanted to be was the girl that walked into the room and people found approachable rather than intimidating, I wanted to be the girl had a thin body with shovel handle arms that couldn’t pick up a 50# bag of dog food off the ground if she wanted to…. I actually still wish I had skinny little arms….really I do!!!! I wanted to be fun, sweet, tender, gentle, patient, compassionate, gracious, but for the life of me I just didn’t know how to do that and pretty much just thought it wasn’t who I was. I just figured I would always be a hard shell that was quick with her mouth, intense, hardcore and unapproachable.
What I would have given for someone to say to me, “You’re that trainer who helps people become a better version or themselves.” “You’re that trainer who really loves her clients and boy they sure know it.” “You’re that trainer that asks people to step out of the their comfort zones and conquer things they never knew possible.” That usually wasn’t the case, I was the fitness nazi, the trainer that makes everyone throw up, the trainer they will NEVER come see because you will kill me…you get the idea.
I wanted to be different, so like any hard nosed, stubborn girl would do I went out looking for ways to fix myself. I looked for this book and that book, this seminar and that concept….I went looking.
Then it happened…..the words came out of her mouth and my life will never be the same. “There’s this man called Jesus and most people don’t know him like I do.” THAT WAS IT!!!! That’s what I was missing. I knew Jesus but I didn’t know him like she did. So I went looking for him and stumbled upon the most amazing journey that has lead me to this very day. A day where I can stand and say to you many tears have been cried, many fires have been walked through, many roads have been filled with twists, turns and plenty of pot holes, many times my heart has wanted to give up pack it in and be done because it’s hard. It’s a hard road that leads to breakthrough. It’s a hard road that leads to freedom. It’s a hard road that leads to KNOWING WHO YOU ARE and KNOWING WHO YOU WERE CREATED TO BE!!!! I KNOW….I KNOW THIS NOW!!!! (Can you hear me bellowing this from the depth of my guts!!!! I KNOW) And let me tell you it’s the most freeing thing in the entire world because God has given me the opportunity to be the clay on his wheel. He has offered me the opportunity to sit perfectly still, unyielding and allowed him to show me who I am.
What happens when God unfolds the diamonds he has placed inside of you? What happens when you realize truly who you are? What happens when you begin to see the lies you have lived behind all your life? What happens when you have broken the chains of bondage and walk a life of freedom? What happens when shame and guilt no longer hold you captive? What happens when you look in the mirror and see beauty first? What happens when you allow others to love you well?
I can tell you that amazing things happen, it’s not easy but it’s worth it. I am free and for the first time in my life I’m about to step out into an adventure I would never have dreamed of. I have lived safe, under control, and very responsible. But, I know who I am now and I know that it’s time to go. So in 10 short days I am walking away from the business that I built from the ground up with all of my blood, sweat and tears. I am selling all I own, packing two bags and moving to Kona, Hawaii to join YWAM in full time missions. It’s the scariest most exciting thing I have ever done and I cannot wait to see the dreams God has for me.
So I challenge you to step back and look at who you are…and decide who it is that you would really choose to be. What are the chains you are bound by? What’s holding you back?
Ok, now it’s your turn….